Panic! It's a Mary Sue!
by Amethyst Turtle
Summary: Zoro has an urge to kill, Sanji molests Robin, Chopper cusses repeatedly, Franky strangles Nami and Brook... plays the violin? Why, it's insanity, thanks to one very irritating Mary Sue! Rated for language and the death of a not very important character.


AN: I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who absolutely hates Mary Sues to the point of wanting to stick a fork in her arm.  
One thing I would absolutely love to see is a BrookxOC story. Seriously. BrookxOC.  
Just so you know, this is a PARODY! Not meant to be serious! A parody!  
September 20: Minor editing

Panic! It's a Mary Sue!

Once upon a time in a magical world called reality, there was a teenage girl who was created by a fourteen-year old writer that had nothing better to do than write stories about a fictional world.

"I hate my life." She muttered, leaving her high school class where she actually held top scores, but didn't care because education was too boring for her liking. "I have a ton of friends, I'm immensely popular, everyone tells me I'm beautiful, I'm extremely intelligent, I'm an above average athlete, and I live all by myself in this cute little apartment I rented a few years back because I got bored of my boring parents. I must be the unluckiest person in the world!"

Oh, and before I forget, the rather ungrateful bitc- er I mean, _girl's_ name is Mar. Mar E. Shuu, to be exact.

She has really long hair.

With highlights.

And she's really, really pretty.

So, anyways, Mar was walking down the streets when a funny little old man walked up to her. Being the smart person she is, Mar greeted the possible pedophile-kidnapper-rapist.

"Hi, sensei!" Mar said, using the wrong Japanese honorific. But it didn't matter even though she wasn't Japanese, because it sounded cool.

"Hello, child. Take this fruit." The man said, holding out a fruit that almost looked as ugly as he did.

"Okay!" Mar said. How clever of her to do so! And so Mar walked all the way home to her adorable little apartment on this cute little street and ate the fruit for dinner.

"Well, that tasted really bad." Mar said cheerfully, trying not to vomit. She went to her cute little bathroom and brushed her hair, which was about ten feet long. Not really, it was only three feet long. Then she walked over to her bookcase stuffed with a bunch of copies of One Piece manga volumes. Several Zoro action figures and other Zoro-themed merchandise lined the shelves, too.

"Oh, great Zoro-san!" Mar E. Shuu chanted, bowing down in front of the shelves. "Let me have your babies!"

After her nightly ritual of praying to her (sexy) god, Mar E. Shuu went to sleep.

***

"Chirp! Squawk! Tweet!" A rather rude seagull chirped/squawked/tweeted in Mar E. Shuu's face.

"Augh! Ugly bird!" Mar E. Shuu shrieked, slapping the bird away. Then she realized she wasn't in her own bed. She wasn't even in her own cute little apartment, for that matter. Being the clever explorer she is, Mar E. Shuu left the small room to explore wherever the hell she was. The sun wasn't up yet, so it was probably really early in the morning.

The first thing she noticed was that she was on a ship. Surrounded by water.

"Oh shit!" Mar E. Shuu yelled just like a certain swordsman (wink wink wink). You see, Mar E. Shuu went through a traumatic experience when she was just a wee child, when she nearly drowned in the ocean. In two feet of water. But thanks to her quick thinking skills, Mar had managed to stand up and save her own life.

Mar looked up and noticed the flag waving from the tall mast. It was black, and had a skull wearing a straw hat on it. Then she noticed the lion's head on the front of the ship, and other several minute details that probably didn't matter.

"I'm on the Thousand Sunny! Which means that I have somehow ended up in the One Piece universe!" Mar E. Shuu gasped. "Which means…"

"Who's there?" Zoro stepped out of the training room in all his shirtless-glory. He was glistening with sweat, which somehow makes him seem even sexier. Zoro's eyes bulged at the sight of the beautiful girl.

_"OMG! He's so going to run towards me and we'll make out!" _Mar E. Shuu silently squealed.

But no. He didn't.

"GUYS! INTRUDER!!!" Zoro roared, whipping out his swords. In a brief flash, he had Mar E. Shuu pressed up against the wall with a blade pressing against her neck.

"Oh, Zoro-kun!" Mar E. Shuu giggled. "You're so _forceful_!"

"I don't know what shit you're going on about, so shut up." Zoro barked. Robin, possibly the only one who bothered reacting to Zoro's yell, approached them.

"Hm? Who is this, Swordsman-san?" Robin asked, smiling ever so slightly. "A friend of yours?"

"Shut up, Nico! Zoro's mine!" Mar yelled, sticking her tongue out at her.

"Oh, you can have him. He's much too young for me, anyways." Robin laughed.

"Oi! You calling me immature?" Zoro frowned. His brow furrowed. "Wait… oh, jeez!" He quickly backed away from Mar E. Shuu. "Whaddya mean, I'm yours?"

"Of course! We were meant to be together… forever…" Mar sighed dreamily.

"Robin-chwaan~!" Sanji came twirling out of the kitchen. "I was preparing breakfast when I heard- when I…" He stopped in his tracks and gaped at Mar E. Shuu.

"Oh, go ahead!" Mar giggled. "You can fawn over me, too, but don't make Zoro jealous!"

"Oi!" Zoro scowled.

"Who's the ugly hag?" Sanji stuck a thumb at Mar.

Mar E. Shuu laughed. "Oh, I remember. You're not attracted to me, Sanji, because you're gay for Zoro! It all makes sense now!"

"WHAT SHIT NOW?!?" Sanji yelled, dropping his cigarette.

"THE FUCK?!?" Zoro rapidly edged away from Sanji.

"It's _obviously _true! I mean, ZoSan is one of the best couples ever, besides ZoroxMar- that's me- of course!" Mar E. Shuu said, oblivious to Sanji's vomiting.

"R-Robin-chan… save me…" Sanji whispered hoarsely, reaching out to her. Robin grimaced as he latched onto her tightly.

"I'll take Cook-san to see Doctor-san. Shall I get Captain-san while I'm at it?" Robin asked Zoro, attempting to pry Sanji off of her.

"Please." Zoro rolled his eyes. He glared at Mar, who smiled sweetly back at him. Before Robin could move, the sound of thundering footsteps reached their ears.

"Meeaaat!!!" Luffy howled as he crashed through the door. "Saaanji! Meaaaa-eh?" Luffy tilted his head at the sight of Zoro pointing his sword at a beautiful- cough- girl and Sanji nearly dragging Robin down in a tight bear hug. Usopp and Chopper followed behind him.

"Eeeck! Stranger!" Chopper squealed, quickly moving behind Luffy.

"Zoro, who's that?" Usopp asked. His hand unconsciously moved to his pocket where he kept his slingshot.

"Some idiot who got on the ship." Zoro said. "Luffy, can I throw her overboard?"

_"Now Luffy's going to ask me to join his crew!" _Mar E. Shuu thought, as she tried not to squeal in delight and anticipation.

"Oi! Weird girl! Join our crew!" Luffy said bluntly.

"WHAT?!?" Zoro yelled.

"I knew it! I knew it! Yes, yes yes, I'll join your crew!" Mar E. Shuu shrieked, dancing around.

"Don't get all excited. Luffy asks nearly everyone that." Usopp said.

"You! And Chopper! You're supposed to start a fan club dedicated to me!" Mar stopped dancing and pointed at Usopp and Chopper.

"What? Why would we want to do that?" Usopp asked, rather annoyed.

"Because you two are supposed to worship me and declare me as your goddess, duh!" Mar said, as if that was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Bitch! Don't make such stupid assumptions!" Chopper yelled boldly. "Nami and Robin are ten times cooler than you!"

"Who am I cooler than?" Nami stepped outside. She looked around and saw Sanji holding onto Robin, who looked rather uncomfortable. "Augh! Sanji! Stop molesting Robin!" She dashed forward and began kicking him repeatedly until he slunk down onto the deck, bleeding and bruised.

"H-Hai, Nami-swan~" Sanji said weakly before he collapsed from loss of blood.

"What's the commotion about?" Franky came of his workshop, Brook right behind him. "It's too early to be fighting!"

"Yohohoho! All of your yelling is so loud, my eardrums might blow up! Ah, but I don't have eardrums… or do I? Yohohoho!" Brook laughed hysterically.

"Oi! Girly! Stop that!" Franky yelled, holding Nami by the neck to prevent her from kicking Sanji further.

"Bitch! Bitch!" Chopper yelled angrily.

"Sanjiii! Breakfast!" Luffy whined.

"What the hell is going on?" Usopp wondered out loud.

"Oh dear." Robin smiled as the volume escalated. "It seems we have quite a problem on our hands, ne?"

"Put me down, Franky!" Nami screamed. "I can't breathe!"

"Seriously! Let me throw her overboard!" Zoro yelled, sword still pointed at the forgotten Mar E. Shuu.

Sanji moaned in pain and attempted to crawl away.

"Huuuungry!" Luffy said loudly.

"Bitch! Bitch!" Chopper continued yelling.

"I can't hear myself think!" Usopp screamed, clamping his hands over his ears.

"Neither can I! Yohohoho!" Brook whipped out his violin for no apparent reason and began playing a lively song that didn't exactly compliment the cacophony of the crew's yelling.

"Can't breathe!" Nami gasped, punching Franky weakly. He dropped her onto the deck.

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Franky asked.

"What are you, DEAF?!?" Nami screamed. She kicked his leg only to hop away, howling in pain and clutching her foot.

"Let's go eat, guys! Guuuuys!" Luffy yelled.

"Not yet! Let me push her overboard, dammit!" Zoro roared.

"SILENCE!" Mar E. Shuu shrieked loudly. Everyone froze and looked up at her. She was precariously balanced standing on the railing. "Now, I believe this entire argument was over _me_, Mar E. Shuu, new member of the Straw Hat Pirates. First things, first, I think I should become the second mate."

"There is no second mate, baka." Usopp said.

"Actually, there is. There is also a third mate." Robin pointed out. "The second mate is traditionally the navigator, however, so I believe Nami has claimed the position."

"Oh." Usopp slunk down in embarrassment.

"Then I call third mate!" Mar yelled, wobbling on her perch.

"No way! You're the new fish lady." Luffy said. "You'll feed the stock in the aquarium. And you'll clean the algae and fish poop off the glass."

"She'll do nothing!" Zoro finally lost his patience. He shoved Mar E. Shuu rather violently, sending her tumbling overboard.

"Zoro-bro!" Franky gasped. The crew crowded against the railing just in time to see Mar hit the water with a loud splash. The girl struggled in the water, but swiftly sunk down until they could no longer see her. One final bubble popped on the surface of the sea, and the rippled waters were calm once more.

"She was a Devil Fruit user." Usopp gasped.

"Was? What just happened?" Sanji groaned, standing up unsteadily.

"Well, it appears Swordsman-san has killed our new crew member." Robin said, trying not to laugh.

"She was never in the crew!" Zoro snapped.

"Aw, now who's going to clean out the fish poop?" Luffy whined.

"You are." Nami frowned.

"Yohohoho!" Brook laughed and stopped playing the violin with one final note. "How exhilarating!"

"What do you think her power was?" Chopper asked.

"Probably the power to be super annoying." Zoro muttered.

"That's my line! Super!!!" Franky struck a pose.

"Alright. Who wants breakfast? I've prepared eggs and fish, with lots of bread." Sanji began walking back to the kitchen.

"Sugoi!!!" Luffy grabbed Usopp and Chopper and dragged them along as he sprinted after Sanji. Franky and Brook followed.

"Shitty girl." Zoro muttered, wiping a bead of blood off the tip of his sword. "Got her shitty blood all over my sword."

"By the way, Swordsman-san, did you happen to catch the girl's name?" Robin asked.

"Why does it matter, Robin?" Nami asked.

"Just wondering."

"I think she said her name was Mar… Mary Sue, or something like that. I'm not so sure." Zoro said, frowning.

"Ah." Robin nodded, as if that had confirmed some earlier suspicions. "It all makes sense, now."

"What does?"

"Oh, nothing." Robin smiled and followed Nami inside. Zoro shrugged and walked after them.

AN: Yeahaha.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated!


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